Be the Bichota/ Bad Bitch You Came to Be!
5 Ways to Build Your Confidence Muscle
Listen in or read this essay below:
Confidence is a muscle. 💪🏽
We often think about it as something we have, or don’t have. Yes, the environments we were raised in often contribute to how confident we feel at baseline alongside other factors like whether we are part of one or more marginalized groups, the trauma we have or haven’t experienced, the level of stability of our internal or external environments.
And, confidence is also malleable. We can build it like we build a bicep and see results sooner than we think. Sometimes, confidence gets unlocked in big waves and we feel a strength inside of us that we haven’t ever felt or a new level previously untapped gets unleashed. Sometimes it is unlocked poquito a poco, little by little.
For example, I used to think I would never have the arm strength to climb the pole, but now I am doing it with ease (thanks to privates with my pole teacher Peaches!) It took getting out of my own way and showing up consistently for it to finally click and now seeing that growth has inspired me to be more confident that growth will happen in other areas of my life if I just keep at it.
In my experience living with anxiety, confidence has come and gone. But I’ve learned how to access it whenever I need it most. And it has definitely concretized in some areas where it did not exist before.
Some things I am now confident in:
my ability to hold a powerful, safe space
my skills as a performer
my ability to express what I mean through writing
my ability to create art and bring my visions to life
No matter how I’m feeling, I know deep down that when I step into these roles, I’m gonna do the damn thing well. And within it, I will even experience flow. I would describe this list as skills now. Skills that I learnt through practice -so much so that I’m now confident in them. These are situations that I’ve learned to be confident in that give me a feeling of certainty within as I enact them. This doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous before I do them or that anxiety doesn’t try to convince me otherwise! But it does mean that once I’m doing them, I am most often in a state of trust.
There are, of course, aspects of my confidence that shift based on factors like mental/ physical/ emotional/spiritual health -which fluctuates for me and for everyone. Also the company I keep around me and my environment have impact for sure.
There are aspects that are super steady now, that were once very shaky. For example, confidence in my body and an indifference towards my weight. At one point I weighed myself every single day and would freak out at half a pound of change. My body dysmorphia and disordered eating were impacted by unhealthy feedback I was getting as a model. Now, I haven’t weighed myself in 10+ years and I couldn’t care less about the number on a scale.
I had to work on that. I had to build that muscle and now my self love and appreciation for my body reads as confidence. It was intentional, difficult and took effort. But now it is a strong muscle to accept my body exactly as it is.
Whatever the realm of your life that you are attempting to gain confidence in, there are exercises that will serve to build your confidence muscles. They can be applied to any area you desire to strengthen- intuition, self expression, capabilities, emotional states. It will start off feeling super wobbly, but it will one day become second nature with practice.
5 Steps to Build your Confidence Muscle:
We will use the example of building confidence in self expression as we walk through these steps but they can be applied to any other desired area of your life.
1. Know Your Why:
What do you want? Why? Be so specific. Consider this your anchor.
Don’t skip this step when you are attempting to build confidence, or you will likely wobble. Knowing your why and getting clear on your intentions will ground you when things get challenging on the road to showing up as your highest self.
For example, my own intention around self expression has been to embody and empower in the name of Pussy Power because I’m so tired of witnessing women around me shrinking themselves as a result of shame, fear, and self hate and of witnessing myself do this.
If you go to express or take up space and receive backlash or judgment (which you inevitably will), knowing your why will root you and plug you right into your truth. Can’t nobody tell you nothing when you know who you are and why you’re showing up the way you’re showing up.
Write down you why and put it somewhere you can see it daily.
2. Reframe Limiting Beliefs:
What are the limiting thoughts, feelings, old stories that come up when you take steps towards confidence? You may already know what they are. You may only know what they are because every time you go to express yourself, you hear these voices rise and do their best to stop you from even starting. Good! It’s important to gather this information when it comes up. Write it down whenever you hear these narratives come forth.
Confront them by writing out how your highest self would respond to these unhelpful remarks. Make these reframes into affirmations and remind yourself of them daily to rewire your brain and begin to believe in the new story.
Before I used to perform I would have all kinds of stories come up about why I wasn’t good enough for that particular stage. I paid attention to what those voices were saying and from that raw material I’ve created pre show rituals like telling myself “I’m that bitch!” and making sure I feel it all the way down to my pussy as I walk out onto any stage.
3. You better (do your mirror)werk!
I’ve found that pep talks work best when I give them to myself. Because only I know what I really need to hear. And when I receive pep talks from other people, I sometimes want to protest.
You know how when you do eye gazing exercises it's so effective cuz you’re co-regulating with another person? Well you can co-regulate with your own reflection! You can calm yourself down with your own presence and self soothe.
With mirror werk, I look myself right in the eyes and tell myself what I need to hear. You can say your affirmations out loud or, my favorite, embody them.
Try asking yourself this: How would I move if my intentions were already reality? Move like that. Let your body tell your brain that you’re well on your way to being that confident bad bitch you know yourself to be, in fact you’re already there.
Bonus: Check out my Pussy Empowered™ Sensual Embodiment Mirror Werk Ritual below by upgrading to a paid account! You will feel nourished, loved, celebrated and yes, more confident after doing this audio ritual.
4. Dedicate time regularly
If you were building a physical muscle, you would dedicate an amount of time regularly to working out. Well, as you build your confidence muscle, you can do the same. Confidence boosting rituals like the ones I’ve shared so far really work when you are committed to them. You might not notice after doing these exercises after 2 times, but you will see a difference after 10 times thats for sure.
Don’t worry, it can be fun! Actually, it should be, because who wants one more thing that feels like work anyway?
In the case of self expression, dedicating time to letting yourself express freely without judgment often will make it start to feel like second nature. You can start with 5 or 10 minutes a day of putting on music and just trusting your body to move, for example.
5. Get support or find community
We join gyms or classes because it holds us accountable. It gives us a regular place to practice. In the case of self expression it helps to find a space that feels judgment free and safe. When we witness others freeing their expression we are that much more inspired to free our own. And it helps so much to be witnessed and receive reflections of our growth from others who we trust. Because it can be easy to forget where we came from or lose perspective when we are constantly keeping our eyes on the horizon towards where we want to be instead of acknowledging where we are right now.
You don’t have to do it alone.
I am passionate about creating safe space in supportive community for self expression to thrive. Together we boost our confidence through exercises that really work!
If you are desiring a supportive community and a fun, safe space to build your confidence muscle, join us for one of our upcoming Pussy Empowered™ offerings:
Upcoming:
🪩LA Video Vixen Class Series: Alhambra
An 8 week series culminating in a music video shoot to an original song about Abundance. Classes are Tuesday nights in Alhambra at the Haus of Ghetto Stiletto starting next week! The video shoot will be styled by Señora Calzones and filmed in a palace like setting (see below)! Join us!
🪩LA Performance Class Series: San Pedro
An 8 week series culminating in a group performance! Reggaeton & other música en español 🎶Classes are Wednesday nights in San Pedro starting next week! Our performance will be at a Latine Burlesque/Variety show produced by yours truly, also in San Pedro. Join us!
🪩Puerto Rico Video Vixen Retreat:
April 1-6th. 6 days, 5 nights of liberating your embodiment & expression via dancing on the breathtaking beaches of Puerto Rico’s West Coast, excursions, meals by our private chef Ramona Rose, staying right on the beach, culminating in a photo & video shoot! Spots are super limited and already getting booked up. Secure your spot!
🪩Pop Up Class: Mission Viejo
PUSSY EMPOWERED DANCE WERKSHOP
First Sundays October 6th, November 3rd, December 1st. 5-7pm at Wild Industries Studio in Mission Viejo. RSVP
🪩VIRTUAL: Confidence Werkshop
Join us as we put these steps into practice amongst other confidence boosting exercises. Modalities include: meditation, journaling, embodiment, sharing and dance. 90 minutes. Sunday October 13th 11am PST/2pm EST. RSVP
Join as a free subscriber or upgrade to paid to support my work and unlock my Sensual Embodiment Mirror Werk Ritual below.